if i turn 21 [which is in five days] and things don't start looking up for me, i don't know what i'll do... but if i do figure it out, i highly doubt anyone will care. big surprise.

i can cry and practically scream for some help, but no one seems to listen.

new tat from the tattoo convention today over in mesa! yayy




sorry mom haha

life is odd.

it's like everything is going well, but with this strange ease. as if things were meant to just happen as they're happening.

the other night the mother of one of my best friends passed away. he had come to me before about how his mom was getting worse [she has been battling cancer for years] and how that they were going to start hospice care. he's handling it very well, which isn't surprising for him because he's pretty stubborn. i couldn't even begin to imagine something like that ever happening, i don't even want to think about it.

things are strange and i don't expect them to get much different than that anytime soon.

you never really know though, i guess?

this weekend was good.

friday woke up at a place that wasn't my own and was very sick [small case of food poisoning i believe?], which is never fun. still, i went out that night which turned out to be a lot of fun. milo the mayor/matador house show. i was the only sober person in the whole house. someone said somethings that was very nice, and that was long overdue, really.

woke up at the same place on saturday [which was not the original plan], went home changed and went to lunch with my sister and the boys [max, dan, and eric] even though we had just hung out with them all night. saturday night went back to the their house where there was a "party" which turned out to just pretty much be a kickback with a few awesome people and lots of beer. i learned how to play quarters.

sunday i woke up at the same place [it was three nights in a row, it will be nice to see my own bed again] a little hung over but nothing big. went home.

so, as said before, the weekend was good.

although i'm very confused about a few things, decisions and what not.






i also can't figure out why i've lost my appetite? i haven't eaten more than a couple of sandwiches and some salad in the last three days, and they were forced.






anyways;

dan[+foil headdress?], max, eric [in back], and me

jeff, i love this kid so much

my sister, who i love the most. and who laughs at my jokes way to much.






i forgot to do my homework.

oh wow root canals SUCK. goodbye upper molar, you'll be missed.

i need to get away from here. away from people that treat me like shit, like i'm nothing, like i'm replaceable. i may put on this tough girl attitude but it's only to hide this pathetic and weak girl on the inside.

i think i may need some serious help. i haven't had a full meal in weeks, i'm losing sleep, and i think i'm getting sick.


in other disapointing news;

the art gallery that my friend jeff was trying to get me a job at is falling through, apparently right now they're not going to hire any new employees for the new store. great. the only the thing i was looking forward to is completely out of the picture.




---

positives:

insurance company gave us the final amount that we will be receiving from them: $29,000. i can't even believe it, something goes right for once. the money will go to art school, says mother. i hope i get to have a little bit of it. i'm tired of being broke all the time.

highlight of the week: seeing tams on thursday. it was a lot of fun. very interesting night too, haha. let's just say it included an old friend and a surprising way of saying "thanks for being my beer pong partner" and then a weird way of saying "i like the chalk drawing you did on the wall" uhhh thanks? it was so silly and very random.



anyways, i'm going to start building my portfolio and apply for art schools soon, i really need to get out of here. i don't know how much more i can take.

i pissed a kid off so much in Human Sexuality class that he actually got up and left the class half way into it.

it was extremely empowering. and i am very pleased with my self.

i'm damaged goods.
ready to be recycled again.
an old rag doll no one ever loved back.
a smile sewed onto my face.
everyone believes something different.

my mom called me yesterday with some amazing news, [which is a first in a long time].

so as many of you may remember my car accident back on halloween last year

well, the guy turned out to not have any insurance. so we've been working with our insurance company and since we have uninsured motorist coverage they've been trying to get us something.. ANYTHING! it's been almost a year and we've been waiting for some kind of a response from allstate. we had been thinking we'd only get back lost wages [totaling about 400$]

anyways, allstate calls my mom yesterday and gives her two numbers of definite amounts they're going to give us. the lowest being $17,000 and the highest being $29,000.

they told my mom it was because of the injuries, and how no one, especially someone my age, should ever have to go through something that traumatic and not get anything out of it.

when my mom told me, i started crying my eyes out. she also told me that it will all go towards art school for me.

i'm just happy that something went right for me and my family for once.

is it possible to be extremely happy and horribly depressed at the same time?

i think i'm losing my mind.

my birthday is over.

i recieved more love then i could have ever asked for. i really don't think i've ever felt that loved in my life. i got to spend my birthday [drunk off my ass] with an amazing group of people. some were welcomed. and some weren't. but i imagine that's hard to avoid when theres a party for three siblings with a wide range of friends.

i wish i could thank everyone, but that might take way too long.


cake.







i love all of you.

my [as in our, meaning my brother sister and i] birthday party is tonight.

and our birthday is tomorrow!

so excited!

Just a perfect day
drink Sangria in the park
And then later
when it gets dark, we go home

Just a perfect day
feed animals in the zoo
Then later
a movie, too, and then home

Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spend it with you
Oh, such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on

Just a perfect day
problems all left alone
Weekenders on our own
it's such fun

Just a perfect day
you made me forget myself
I thought I was
someone else, someone good

Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you
Oh, such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on

You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow

i need constant reassuring that i am liked by others..


..and i hate that about myself.

nothing's gonna change my world.
nothing's gonna change my world...

deadlines. endlines. sadlines. badlines. stupidlines.

good things have to come to an end sometime. it's just rather unfortunate when you know when it will happen.



and i can't believe i've had this chance now.

my dad lost his job.. again. he doesn't deserve this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.